I want to start using this blog as not only my family life, but also my personal journey to find a life. It all started back when I  was in high school. I never cared about my weight, I ate like crap. My diet consisted of pizza, cupcakes, sprees, runts, and any other sugar or good food I could get ahold of. I became addicted to making cookies, it was my stress relief. Luckily I had an awesome metabolism and didn't weigh what I should've for eating what I ate. I may have looked "Average" but I was not healthy in the least bit. When I was a kid I was very picky at what I ate (and still am) but I was athletic and I could skate, sprint, do gymnastics, ride bikes, and anything I put my mind too. Then I got older and those things started to go away. I miss being able to be in the best shape of my life.  I hear people say that they are in the best shape right now. I can't even imagine how you can be in better shape now than when you were 10 and lived outside. I do want to be there however.  I moved to Dixie College, and didn't know much about nutrition so I ate what I wanted. I like to call it the "Glad you didn't get botulism, and cake diet. " I would make noodles and pour spaghetti sauce over them, and stick the spaghetti sauce back in the cupboard. NOT the fridge. Luckily, I had a couple nursing students that lived with me and told me that I could be killing myself. Most of the time however, I made a cake mix and would eat the dry cake whenever I was hungry. Lets just say I was lucky if I ate maybe twice a day of cake. I also didn't have a car so I was always walking. I was also in love, and so I lost 15 pounds in the first couple months I was down there. By the time I got married seven months later, I weighed in at 115 and was 5'7. I was too skinny, I look back on some pictures when I was first married and my face looked frail. I was what people call "Skinny fat" I did however have a four pack from all the walking, but I still wasn't healthy. I was very cautious of my appearance so I wore big shirts and pants and so no one really knew how thin I actually was. Fast forward 12 years later and here I am, after 4 pregnancies and eating like crap (but better than in college) I have stayed at a steady weight and I am considered average. However I cant do the things I used to do and have dealt with a lot of depression in the last decade. My change started about a year ago......
     I turned 30 years old last year, and was the first time my health started to suffer. I got a kidney stone, and a herniated disk. My friend Rosie got me into going for a walk with her and then Zumba. She introduced to me "Fitness Pal" and I could see her transformation and I used her as my guide. She ended up moving in July, but I was still able to keep going here and there until I herniated my disk in Sept. By November, I started hanging out with my friend Cariann, and she was able to help me learn new exercises and get me motivated into changing the way I think. I have always used the scale as my measurement of success and fail. When I don't see the numbers go down I get angry. I have been learning a lot these last few months and I tell you that this battle is a mental one not a physical one. For years I told myself, oh well I would rather eat what I like and live than be starving and hating my food choices. I was a cookie addict and would make them every day and eat them. I had lost 15 pounds and have kept 10 off while working with Rosie. Something in me clicked and I am so thankful it did. I want to share these insights on what has helped me . First off, Scale is not the way to go. I don't want just a skinny body, I want a healthy one. Stop competing with others and compete with yourself. I want to be able to run and not faint literally :) You can use the scale, but you aren't factoring in muscle that you are building (which weighs more than fat) you could lose water weight, gain water weight, lose muscle not fat. There is no indicator to what you are losing or gaining. I will still use the scale but I had to change my mind frame into realizing that I would probably GAIN weight and that was a good thing because of the muscle I am gaining. Instead I measure with a fat measurement and inches. Next, I the biggest obstacle is trying to eat healthier. I said "healthier" because it takes more than a week to change this, and If I go full force I will fall off the band wagon. This isn't a contest, it's not a diet, this is a lifestyle change. I have used fitness pal and according to my weight and diet I know exactly how many calories I can eat. I was still eating sugar but I ate less and counted them into my calorie intake. I used to eat cereal every morning, but I have since been able to eat oatmeal and eggs (I used to HATE eggs, but over the last three months I have gained a taste for them and I have to eat my eggs for protein to feel better) I eat every 2-3 hours and I try to eat clean (beans, salad, zucchini, chicken) for lunch and then I will eat what I make for the kids at night. I try to make it healthy. Another thing I do is I still get to eat what I want so if I want pizza, I eat one slice not three. I also eat a heavy breakfast and more during the morning and before noon, and then I eat less for dinner and go to bed without a full stomach. One of my goals is also trying to drink enough, this one is tough for me and I have yet to master it. Once you start eating good you start to crave good food and it becomes a habit. however, it is also a mental thing that you have to keep telling yourself you can do this and you deserve it. The thing I have noticed is you have to change the negative self talk and love yourself. I am an emotional eater and I binge when stress is in my life. I may think it feels good to eat that cookie, but I regret it later and I feel like crap. The negative to the positive was the hardest change yet. I woke up one day after being so sick and tired of being sick and tired and I started seeing things in a positive light and it has made all the difference. That doesn't mean the negativity doesn't try to creep in because it does and it will, but you have to make it go away and push even harder. I look at it as a competition to myself and that I am stronger than the negativity around me and in me. Next, was the sugar. I am a sugarholic. I have been all my life and I am learning it is also biological. Yes you can be sugar dependent due to your blood sugar levels and those who are, usually would or are alcoholic. Why? Because alcoholic turns into sugars. Trying to stop eating sugar has been the biggest beast in my life. I went three months without it once and lost 15 pounds in three months. But I was doing it for the wrong reasons of trying to get that scale to tip lower. I have done a lot of research, because knowledge is power and I have learned that those who have a lot of sugar cravings could be hosting a lot of yeast in their body that feeds off of it. I have decided to go thirty days without sugar so I can rid the yeast in my body and then slowly take up sugar but in moderate levels. I am on day 10 today! Funny, is it hasn't been that hard because once more it is all in my mind. The hard part was the years and months prior of telling myself I couldn't do it, and having a negative attitude when I did start to try to go without. You have to replace the sugar with something else, and I have started to munch on ritz sour cream and onion baked crackers, or wheat thins Ranch. (yes they have carbs, I count calories, and I am still new at this) or carrot sticks.
   Next, is the work outs! I always thought I would hate running and I couldn't run longer than three house lengths lately. However, I have started slowly learning that it was because I was trying to sprint and I needed to learn how to use my breathing and take my mind off of the running. Two weeks ago I was able to run 1/4 of a mile. I was so surprised and excited and I actually started to love it because it made me feel so good. I am now up to 1/2 mile and that might take me longer. The point is to take it slow or you will hurt yourself. Cariann told me I was trying to over train and I was going to hurt myself, and I actually was hurting my IT band. It was weird to take a rest because my thought process was to keep going. It is true to rest though and I realize I am making progress more when I do.  three days a week I run, (we get up at 6:30 to run) and I bike 3 miles, and I swim. Swimming is so good for my back because of my disk and I have always loved to swim. I thought I would look like the biggest dork with goggles, nose plug and what not, but when I go everyone has snorklemasks, goggles, kickboards, and caps. I fit right in! It is the best calorie burning workout because it uses all your muscles and is not such an impact to your joints. I feel so refreshed afterwards. On two days a week I work out with a video at 6:30 in the morning with my friend. We work on my core and strength. There are times I wake up and I don't want to go but I am always glad that I do. I have this impact inside of me lately that gets excited to get up and work out. there are good days and bad days. But the benefit outweighs the bad. Here are the benefits for me. I used to be lethargic, and lay around daily, I was physically and mentally and emotionally tired. I am now able to focus on my mental, physical, and emotional health and if there wasn't a change in my weight, the way I feel is good enough benefit for me alone! I no longer lay in bed, I have energy that I never thought I would have, and I am not as depressed as I have been in the past. Plus, it's good for my health and is helping so my back doesn't go out again. I am learning everything I can about nutrition, health, and implementing it into my life slowly. I have a couple goals at a time, or else they won't work. My goals of calorie intake, and exercises has been going steady and great, and now so is no sugar. I have small goals of being able to run 1 mile, bike 3.5 miles, swim 10 laps or what not and then I have bigger goals of doing my first 5k this summer, getting athletic so I can enjoy the outside and my life again. I also have small goals before I go to bed I am learning to plank longer so I can improve my core for my back. These little things become big things. I have more goals but I want to make these a habit before I incorporate more. The key is start small. Baby steps. Positive thinking, and you will see you are stronger than what you've told yourself all along. Even now, I have only begun to be strict daily that I make sure I get these things in, I have noticed more strength, I look like I can see my body change for the better, yet the scale hasn't budged and I am OK with it, because I know I'm gaining muscle. I remember seeing on pinterest a girl who was 120 and skinny and then 130 and looked awesome because she started gaining muscle.  If I had my old ways I probably would've given up when I noticed the scale wasn't moving. Also, when you eat healthy you actually get to eat MORE food. That was always hard for me to retrain my brain that just because I am eating 3 cups of salad or 1 small pack of m &m's, the salad is less calories. it reminds me of when you try to give a kid a dime and they want the nickel because it's bigger. You have to retrain your brain. I saw a picture of me and Is aid, I want to change the way I think and feel, so I got to work and started learning, having support system, and being positive. One day I will post that picture that made me want to change and get better NOW so I could look at my picture and see how far I have come. Im not sure if the positivity came when I found out Trent might have cancer and I knew I needed something more than food to focus on. I was going to have to be the caretaker and I had to take care of myself so Ic ould take care of him. I want my kids to have the knowledge so they can grow up independent and strong and not worry about their weight... I am doing this for me but also for my family..... Until then... this is my journey.....

Easter 2013

Hope is getting so big. If she gets raunchy all you have to do is put her down on the floor and hold her hands and she will walk. She loves to squeal when she is happy and it's amazing she can do a little walk with how small she is. she is going to be like Hannah and walking at 9 months! She is learning how to sit up, crawl and walk all at the same time. She has learned to pull herself up in her crib! She doesn't sleep which makes it hard for me. The other two kids are homeschooling and are memorizing their states and capitals, and are reading about Lincoln and Harriett Tubman to do a biography and puppet with it. I will have to post pictures when we make the puppets. Faith is enjoying preschool and is hilarious. She told Kelli to come play with her in Sean's room and Kelli said she couldn't because she was scared. Faith replied "Oh relax, I will turn the light on." Or today when I dropped her off at preschool she said "DARN IT, I forgot my backpack" She says the funniest things and I need to remember to write them down. Hope is in physical therapy for her neck but is doing good!

Austin's baptism

Today Austin was baptized . It turned out great and I love seeing his smiling face. While he was being baptized I thought of how many times he teaches me. For  instance he shared all of his candy with his siblings and friends and didn't get one for his birthday. When I asked why, he said it was better to give than to get, it reminded me of what a smart little teacher he is in my life. My thoughts passed and I was taken back to how Mary must have felt when she gave birth to the ultimate teacher. How must she felt when her neighbors, friends, church goers in her community hated her family and most would hate her son to death. I'm sure she knew these people, and while our daily lives and customs are different than back then, I like to personalize it. How frustrating it must have been that her son was killed  by these people that theyprobably once were called friends, or authority figures. What was Christ like as a boy? I'm sure he had a season for everything including play, and laughter. So when Mary was grief stricken and not able to rescue her son( which there isn't a mention of -Joseph-) and Christ looked to his brother to take care of her so she may have already known loss of loved ones. When I think of life back then I think of a similar view of Afghanistan .....anyways my points there was nothing SHE could do. Her baby that she once cradled in her arms after giving birth, kissing his little chubby fingers, singing him to sleep while she rubbed his face and calmed him down, her son that she taught customs, religion, sacrifice, patience, and love, her son who taught her, her son who grew up to die for MY Son. For all son and daughters of man. For an instant when MY Son was smiling and giggling out of the font in his wet clothes, I realized the simplicity of the gospel is to us because of the beautiful sacrifice made by the Son,to love one another and that families are united for Eternity ,and  that because of Him, he has bridged  the gap to our Father in Heaven and shown us the way.

Wow it' s been a while! The things Hope enjoys are:

She loves books! She reads her Winnie the Pooh books. I will take her finger and follower her hand along the words as I read. Now she tries to do the same with my finger.

Her favorite movie is "Beauty and the Beast" she will sit in her walker and eat cherrios and watch the movie. She also loves to dance along to "Jo Jo's Circus" 
She has two bottom teeth right now.

She can wave bye. Its funny because she will wave bye whenever someone says "bye bye" I'm not sure how she figured out bye bye = wave because she was waving like sign language "milk" at first. Today she said "Bye" when I said "say bye bye" and she waved

She loves to call for Hannah's name when I call. I will say "HANNAH" and she screams Hannah's name and is anxious to see her come get her.

She loves to play with toys and is a good eater. She loves my lasagna. One day I was feeding her and left to get some more, when I came back her tray was gone. I thought sophie got it but it was all Hope.

she loves Sophie. sOphie loves her!

SHe is on a fat diet right now, since she only weighed 14.5 at ten months. I think she has gained another pound thanks to instant breakfast and formula. My milk ran out and she gets frustrated going from side to side and so do I!! She shakes and screams bloody murder if she wakes up in her crib and not next to me.. Arghh she is spoiled. And I am a sucker.

She has no hair still.
She loves Austin making her laugh, and her and Faith were argueing in their gibberish today over the remote control/

Hannah gets her to sleep for me and Austin is good to play with her and watch her. When the kids start school this year (Faith included) Hope and I will be lonely.

SHe is in 6-9 months clothes

SHe loves to be pushed in the park swing.
She moves her little body and head when she hears music that she likes.

She doesnt' take naps good at all, unless Im next to her!

Hope is getting so big. She has just begun learning how to blow raspbeerries. I think  my milk supply is dimisnishing and so I have been trying to teach her how to drink from a bottle. (agh) She didn't know how to eat when I started her on mush but she has now gotten the hang of it. She isn't even 12 pounds yet and is now six months old, so I need to get her to fatten up. SHe has started on peas and beans and love it. She has such a contagious little smile and she screaches when she is excited. Some of the things she gets excited about is taking baths, eating, and seing people, like austin come up and play peek a boo.she has a smile that goes to the side with her little dimples and her tongue that likes to curl up. I love this little girl, she is such a joy to our family and so easy going. I can tell when something is wrong like an ear infection because she isnt herself. So far she has had 3 or 4 infections. the first one didn't clear up because the amoxicilion didn't do it for her. I have taken her to primarys and everything is ok with her head but she needs physical therapy on her neck because her head was growing a little to one side. Her GI tract the dr thinks just took time to get used to. she is so close to crawling that she gets up on all fours and sometimes she puts her head down and gets up on her toes like she is going to do a sumersolt. It's pretty funny when she does this when she is mad because she is stuck. She loves sophie and tries to grasp  her. She rolls all the time and so we have to be careful where we put her so she doesn't roll off the bed. She is like the rest of the kids and wants to sleep by me at night.