I want to start using this blog as not only my family life, but also my personal journey to find a life. It all started back when I  was in high school. I never cared about my weight, I ate like crap. My diet consisted of pizza, cupcakes, sprees, runts, and any other sugar or good food I could get ahold of. I became addicted to making cookies, it was my stress relief. Luckily I had an awesome metabolism and didn't weigh what I should've for eating what I ate. I may have looked "Average" but I was not healthy in the least bit. When I was a kid I was very picky at what I ate (and still am) but I was athletic and I could skate, sprint, do gymnastics, ride bikes, and anything I put my mind too. Then I got older and those things started to go away. I miss being able to be in the best shape of my life.  I hear people say that they are in the best shape right now. I can't even imagine how you can be in better shape now than when you were 10 and lived outside. I do want to be there however.  I moved to Dixie College, and didn't know much about nutrition so I ate what I wanted. I like to call it the "Glad you didn't get botulism, and cake diet. " I would make noodles and pour spaghetti sauce over them, and stick the spaghetti sauce back in the cupboard. NOT the fridge. Luckily, I had a couple nursing students that lived with me and told me that I could be killing myself. Most of the time however, I made a cake mix and would eat the dry cake whenever I was hungry. Lets just say I was lucky if I ate maybe twice a day of cake. I also didn't have a car so I was always walking. I was also in love, and so I lost 15 pounds in the first couple months I was down there. By the time I got married seven months later, I weighed in at 115 and was 5'7. I was too skinny, I look back on some pictures when I was first married and my face looked frail. I was what people call "Skinny fat" I did however have a four pack from all the walking, but I still wasn't healthy. I was very cautious of my appearance so I wore big shirts and pants and so no one really knew how thin I actually was. Fast forward 12 years later and here I am, after 4 pregnancies and eating like crap (but better than in college) I have stayed at a steady weight and I am considered average. However I cant do the things I used to do and have dealt with a lot of depression in the last decade. My change started about a year ago......
     I turned 30 years old last year, and was the first time my health started to suffer. I got a kidney stone, and a herniated disk. My friend Rosie got me into going for a walk with her and then Zumba. She introduced to me "Fitness Pal" and I could see her transformation and I used her as my guide. She ended up moving in July, but I was still able to keep going here and there until I herniated my disk in Sept. By November, I started hanging out with my friend Cariann, and she was able to help me learn new exercises and get me motivated into changing the way I think. I have always used the scale as my measurement of success and fail. When I don't see the numbers go down I get angry. I have been learning a lot these last few months and I tell you that this battle is a mental one not a physical one. For years I told myself, oh well I would rather eat what I like and live than be starving and hating my food choices. I was a cookie addict and would make them every day and eat them. I had lost 15 pounds and have kept 10 off while working with Rosie. Something in me clicked and I am so thankful it did. I want to share these insights on what has helped me . First off, Scale is not the way to go. I don't want just a skinny body, I want a healthy one. Stop competing with others and compete with yourself. I want to be able to run and not faint literally :) You can use the scale, but you aren't factoring in muscle that you are building (which weighs more than fat) you could lose water weight, gain water weight, lose muscle not fat. There is no indicator to what you are losing or gaining. I will still use the scale but I had to change my mind frame into realizing that I would probably GAIN weight and that was a good thing because of the muscle I am gaining. Instead I measure with a fat measurement and inches. Next, I the biggest obstacle is trying to eat healthier. I said "healthier" because it takes more than a week to change this, and If I go full force I will fall off the band wagon. This isn't a contest, it's not a diet, this is a lifestyle change. I have used fitness pal and according to my weight and diet I know exactly how many calories I can eat. I was still eating sugar but I ate less and counted them into my calorie intake. I used to eat cereal every morning, but I have since been able to eat oatmeal and eggs (I used to HATE eggs, but over the last three months I have gained a taste for them and I have to eat my eggs for protein to feel better) I eat every 2-3 hours and I try to eat clean (beans, salad, zucchini, chicken) for lunch and then I will eat what I make for the kids at night. I try to make it healthy. Another thing I do is I still get to eat what I want so if I want pizza, I eat one slice not three. I also eat a heavy breakfast and more during the morning and before noon, and then I eat less for dinner and go to bed without a full stomach. One of my goals is also trying to drink enough, this one is tough for me and I have yet to master it. Once you start eating good you start to crave good food and it becomes a habit. however, it is also a mental thing that you have to keep telling yourself you can do this and you deserve it. The thing I have noticed is you have to change the negative self talk and love yourself. I am an emotional eater and I binge when stress is in my life. I may think it feels good to eat that cookie, but I regret it later and I feel like crap. The negative to the positive was the hardest change yet. I woke up one day after being so sick and tired of being sick and tired and I started seeing things in a positive light and it has made all the difference. That doesn't mean the negativity doesn't try to creep in because it does and it will, but you have to make it go away and push even harder. I look at it as a competition to myself and that I am stronger than the negativity around me and in me. Next, was the sugar. I am a sugarholic. I have been all my life and I am learning it is also biological. Yes you can be sugar dependent due to your blood sugar levels and those who are, usually would or are alcoholic. Why? Because alcoholic turns into sugars. Trying to stop eating sugar has been the biggest beast in my life. I went three months without it once and lost 15 pounds in three months. But I was doing it for the wrong reasons of trying to get that scale to tip lower. I have done a lot of research, because knowledge is power and I have learned that those who have a lot of sugar cravings could be hosting a lot of yeast in their body that feeds off of it. I have decided to go thirty days without sugar so I can rid the yeast in my body and then slowly take up sugar but in moderate levels. I am on day 10 today! Funny, is it hasn't been that hard because once more it is all in my mind. The hard part was the years and months prior of telling myself I couldn't do it, and having a negative attitude when I did start to try to go without. You have to replace the sugar with something else, and I have started to munch on ritz sour cream and onion baked crackers, or wheat thins Ranch. (yes they have carbs, I count calories, and I am still new at this) or carrot sticks.
   Next, is the work outs! I always thought I would hate running and I couldn't run longer than three house lengths lately. However, I have started slowly learning that it was because I was trying to sprint and I needed to learn how to use my breathing and take my mind off of the running. Two weeks ago I was able to run 1/4 of a mile. I was so surprised and excited and I actually started to love it because it made me feel so good. I am now up to 1/2 mile and that might take me longer. The point is to take it slow or you will hurt yourself. Cariann told me I was trying to over train and I was going to hurt myself, and I actually was hurting my IT band. It was weird to take a rest because my thought process was to keep going. It is true to rest though and I realize I am making progress more when I do.  three days a week I run, (we get up at 6:30 to run) and I bike 3 miles, and I swim. Swimming is so good for my back because of my disk and I have always loved to swim. I thought I would look like the biggest dork with goggles, nose plug and what not, but when I go everyone has snorklemasks, goggles, kickboards, and caps. I fit right in! It is the best calorie burning workout because it uses all your muscles and is not such an impact to your joints. I feel so refreshed afterwards. On two days a week I work out with a video at 6:30 in the morning with my friend. We work on my core and strength. There are times I wake up and I don't want to go but I am always glad that I do. I have this impact inside of me lately that gets excited to get up and work out. there are good days and bad days. But the benefit outweighs the bad. Here are the benefits for me. I used to be lethargic, and lay around daily, I was physically and mentally and emotionally tired. I am now able to focus on my mental, physical, and emotional health and if there wasn't a change in my weight, the way I feel is good enough benefit for me alone! I no longer lay in bed, I have energy that I never thought I would have, and I am not as depressed as I have been in the past. Plus, it's good for my health and is helping so my back doesn't go out again. I am learning everything I can about nutrition, health, and implementing it into my life slowly. I have a couple goals at a time, or else they won't work. My goals of calorie intake, and exercises has been going steady and great, and now so is no sugar. I have small goals of being able to run 1 mile, bike 3.5 miles, swim 10 laps or what not and then I have bigger goals of doing my first 5k this summer, getting athletic so I can enjoy the outside and my life again. I also have small goals before I go to bed I am learning to plank longer so I can improve my core for my back. These little things become big things. I have more goals but I want to make these a habit before I incorporate more. The key is start small. Baby steps. Positive thinking, and you will see you are stronger than what you've told yourself all along. Even now, I have only begun to be strict daily that I make sure I get these things in, I have noticed more strength, I look like I can see my body change for the better, yet the scale hasn't budged and I am OK with it, because I know I'm gaining muscle. I remember seeing on pinterest a girl who was 120 and skinny and then 130 and looked awesome because she started gaining muscle.  If I had my old ways I probably would've given up when I noticed the scale wasn't moving. Also, when you eat healthy you actually get to eat MORE food. That was always hard for me to retrain my brain that just because I am eating 3 cups of salad or 1 small pack of m &m's, the salad is less calories. it reminds me of when you try to give a kid a dime and they want the nickel because it's bigger. You have to retrain your brain. I saw a picture of me and Is aid, I want to change the way I think and feel, so I got to work and started learning, having support system, and being positive. One day I will post that picture that made me want to change and get better NOW so I could look at my picture and see how far I have come. Im not sure if the positivity came when I found out Trent might have cancer and I knew I needed something more than food to focus on. I was going to have to be the caretaker and I had to take care of myself so Ic ould take care of him. I want my kids to have the knowledge so they can grow up independent and strong and not worry about their weight... I am doing this for me but also for my family..... Until then... this is my journey.....